perspective

by b. allusionary 10.08.24

When your biggest fear becomes reality, how do you cope?

There’s only but so much weed I can continue to smoke

to drown out these thoughts of shame,

as soon as the numbness wears off, all I can do is think of the pain.

How do I continue the world without my everything?

Accepting all my elders are gone and now my life is a test,

remembering the seeds that were sown and hoping I can live my best.

Going deeper and deeper into the darkness, crying myself to sleep.

People are fickle and lack empathy or just don’t get it, so I keep my thoughts to myself

though they will one day, it’s a guarantee.

It just sucks like hell that the first one to experience this is me.

I spent the past few months disassociating…is this what it feels like to truly be alone?

Am I going to let the bloodline die and these curses die out or keep it going?

Do I even want to get close to anyone else, knowing I can wake up and they’ll be gone?

Do I hold it all in and act like I’ve healed just to convince myself to move on?

…or am I to accept that a part of me will always be broken from here on?

There’s so many questions I never got to ask.

It feels like as soon as I got the time, the time was up.

Dejavu again…what the fuck.

I went so hard for so many years to avoid this feeling,

just to be humbled again and forced to feel it.

Having a daily identity crisis because I’ve lost everything from my comfort zone.

I wasn’t ready to write this epilogue, let alone be this grown.

I used to joke about feeling like an orphan,

but now there’s some truth to that.

Tired of feeling sorry for myself, I’m facing the world sober.

And let me tell you, its an emotional rollercoaster.

Learning to be my own rock – without resentment,

addressing everything that made me codependent.

Turning to my faith and the spirits that guide me

while still finding strength to show up for my community.

This is life, this is what my spirit chose.

Maybe my assignment is to beat the fear of being alone.

Noticing the spirits of those that passed on protecting my home.

They even come in my dreams.

Leaving signs for me to see.

I’m alone, but only physically.