When your biggest fear becomes reality, how do you cope? There’s only but so much weed I can continue to smoke to drown out these thoughts of shame, as soon as the numbness wears off, all I can do is think of the pain. How do I continue the world without my everything? Accepting all my elders are gone and now my life is a test, remembering the seeds that were sown and hoping I can live my best. Going deeper and deeper into the darkness, crying myself to sleep. People are fickle and lack empathy or just don’t get it, so I keep my thoughts to myself though they will one day, it’s a guarantee. It just sucks like hell that the first one to experience this is me. I spent the past few months disassociating…is this what it feels like to truly be alone? Am I going to let the bloodline die and these curses die out or keep it going? Do I even want to get close to anyone else, knowing I can wake up and they’ll be gone? Do I hold it all in and act like I’ve healed just to convince myself to move on? …or am I to accept that a part of me will always be broken from here on? There’s so many questions I never got to ask.It feels like as soon as I got the time, the time was up. Dejavu again…what the fuck. I went so hard for so many years to …
The dreams I had been having all had the same theme of some really wild and irrational situations that I knew weren’t necessarily nightmares but also didn’t feel that great to participate in either. They were heavy; they made me feel trapped, shamed, rejected, or alone. I felt like I could not escape but I had the option to leave each time. I was around others but it always seemed like they couldn’t hear me or help me. Was I willingly participating in experiencing negative emotions that I can barely deal with in real life? Probably so. Each time I would wake up feeling perfectly fine and not being able to remember anything I dreamt.. so I felt reluctant to pray in a sense because I knew it was my doing…but why? Why would I intentionally force myself to feel like this in my dreams? ……